I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
