This house was built for laser tag.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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