Cold hands, warm shart.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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