just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
