Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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