the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
