just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
