My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
