Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
