We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
