Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
