i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
