what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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