During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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