Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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