I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
