I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
