Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
