Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
