I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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