they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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