If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
