Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
