I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
