I want to have your abortion
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
