Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
