I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
