Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
