I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
