please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
