I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
