ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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