what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
