new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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