Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
