Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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