Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
