I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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