I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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