I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
