This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
