You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
