I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
