Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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