I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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