she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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