I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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