be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
