It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
