I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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