if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
